I’m a hypocrite

I’ve been up a lot the last few nights. We head to Mayo in a few weeks again. This time it’s for lots and lots of testing…developmental testing. George will be the big 3 in April, and that’s when he graduates from Infant Development into a school-district led program (if he qualifies and we decide to go down that route).

Guess who's going to be the big 3 in April?

So why am I a hypocrite? Trust me. I didn’t come to that conclusion easily. And it’s not something I enjoy admitting, but I think it’s true. You see…I’ve been so busy planning for George’s future, that I forgot to let him live today.

Let me explain.

George doesn’t handle illness well. He dehydrates quickly and goes down hill fast. You can ask our speech therapist who was here last week when he became sick. He went from fine and playing to physically ill and very little response in a matter of minutes. By the end of the week, we were in the hospital. The culprit? Strep.

You can't see me!

There I am!

Which is funny, because we had his tonsils and adenoids removed in August to try to help with limiting his strep infections. We’ve had 3 positive strep tests since. I shudder to think what it would have been like without the surgery though.

So, now what.

We need to start making decisions. Like, do we send him to preschool? Are we going to send him to school? Continue speech therapy in a school setting? And I became so wrapped up in planning out his future, that I forgot about today.

He’s a little boy, and little boys want to play, and get muddy and make a mess. They don’t worry about developmental scores, school choices and speech therapy. They want to play with the calves, tease the puppy and make their brothers miserable.

I spent so much time reading about what could happen, that I missed what was happening.

I can’t promise that I won’t spend any more late-nights with tears in my eyes as I watch George sleep. I can’t promise that I won’t go into overprotective mother-hen mode again. But I can promise that I’ll try to let go of my planning tendencies and embrace today for what it is…another day with my children.

No, I can’t forget what the statistics tell me, I can’t pretend that there are not times when George is truly in danger…but I can’t forget that a life without living is hardly a life at all.

I’ve read the statistics, but I forgot one thing…God hasn’t finished writing George’s story yet. And those are the only statistics that matter.

15 thoughts on “I’m a hypocrite

  1. He is such a little cutie! Thats too bad he has problems, and you will spend many nights awake for him. I hope someday he gets better.

  2. Thanks for the reminder Val! It’s a good reminder for all of us! Best wishes for the future and for lots of little boy hugs today!

  3. Love that sweet little face! It doesn’t matter if our child is healthy at the moment or struggling with something–we are Mom’s and we’ll always worry. My faith in God’s plan keeps me on the path. My girls are 29 and 31. One has faced great challenges and God has seen us through and will continue to help her. The oldest is just beginning a huge health challenge and I know God will see us through this to–what ever may come. Enjoy each day with this little guy. The kids get bigger and the problems get tougher. Hugs to you dear mom. Take care of yourself and enjoy your life too.

  4. Hi sweet lady!
    This is a great post! I could even relay and I am not even a mommy!
    Thank you and remember, the cracks in life are there so that sunlight can come in..
    Big hugs

    • Thank you for the reminder, Leontien! I’ve been thinking about you so much lately. My prayers are with you and yours…and thank you for thinking of us as well! 🙂

  5. You are right – enjoy and appreciate the now. As for the future, may I offer some reassurance. I’m a preschool psychologist with a cooperative in Indiana….as you make decisions for preschool programming, please know that it is never written in stone. If you start him in a program and it doesn’t work for him or your family, say thanks, but no thanks. If you start him in a program and it’s not quite what you feel he needs, ask that changes be made. You are the parent, you have the final say. If it helps I can tell you that almost all of our kiddos love “school” and many make amazing progress. The best thing I get to say to a parent is “you and your child don’t need us any more!” Transitions are really hard, whether it’s from home to preschool, or high school to college…having participated in hundreds of them with families coming into and leaving our program, I can say with confidence – it will be okay.

  6. Val,
    You hit home once again! I too have spent so much time worrying about tomorrow that I have forgotten about today with Austin. All of the early intervention programs are crucial for our kids but just remember YOU are in control of things. We were just told that Austin will go to Kindergarten next year and my first thought was “Are you out of your mind?” After listening and praying, I realized the school is right and I’m ok with it. We weren’t given an easy button with our kids but each time we get a smile or a hug we are given an amazing gift. As long as we remember to stop and say thanks every once in a while for that then we are doing ok!

  7. When we look at the mountain ahead, sometimes it is in the valley that gives us the strength to challenge the mountain. Keep using the tears, God blessed us with them, they have a purpose. Thank you for sharing your life journey and allowing us to experience the challenges and the blessings with George and each of you.
    Know you are all in our prayers.

  8. We will have you all in our thoughts and prayers especially as test time approaches; and that you will come away with some good suggestions as to what to do in the near future.
    As far as tears in the night, I hope that you can pray with and for your little guy as you tuck him in and then put him in God’s care. You need your rest. I think the Devil harasses us especially at night with worrisome thoughts and fears. Do all you can to resist going down that road. Fill your mind with happy memories and plans of fun little things you can do with your son the next day.Hug your Honey and other kids, say your prayers, and snuggle down to sleep knowing that God is in control and has you all under His wing.

    • Yes, without prayers and the mercy of God, I would never have made it this far. And you’re so right, I need to let go and let God a little more often. I’m thinking about putting that on the walls in my room, just as a reminder.

  9. I understand what you’re going through. We have three kids the oldest two are 16 and 12.Both are in special Ed programs. We knew that from the start. We never questioned if they would go to school or where. We’ve added to the school plan and changed it as needed. Both are doing well in life and have surpassed the doctors expectations. We also have a non-medically challenged 3 year old girl. We have debated her schooling more than either of the boys ever was(public or parochial and what town). We’ve decided for next year. Always remember to enjoy every minute with your children

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